How to Bathe a Cat

[Adapted from a post found on a news website]

As anyone who has attempted this feat can tell you, bathing a cat is no laughing matter.  In fact, it can be downright painful, and humiliating too.

But don’t despair.  Bathing a cat is simple, really.  No, just kidding.  But it can be done.  You can succeed.  The key is to be properly prepared, mentally and physically.

Remember, although your cat has advantages in intelligence, speed, and total lack of concern for you, you will have advantages in size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

Follow these instructions for bathing your cat.

1.    First, dress for the occasion. A four-ply rubber wet suit is recommended, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2.  A bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred a shower curtain in about 3.5 seconds.

3.  Place the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before you begin.  No need for the blow dryer.  As tempting as it might be, blow drying the cat after a bath is most definitely not recommended.

4.  Fill the tub with water.  Make it a little warmer than necessary because you still have to find the cat.  Position everything strategically in the shower, so that you can reach it even if you are prone or face down in the tub.

5.  Find your cat.  Use the element of surprise.  Pick the cat up nonchalantly, as if you were simply carrying him to the supper dish.  No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, because the cat barely notices you anyway.

6.  Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is of the essence.  In a single fluid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the glass doors, and drop the cat into the water.  While the cat is still in a state of shock, grasp the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of the cat is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles; add to that the fact that the cat now has soapy fur.  His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.  Looks a little like one, too.

7.  As best you can while wearing welder's gloves, try to grab hold of the cat as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling.  If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles while his body is fully exposed in midair.

8.  During the five seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub the cat vigorously.  There is no need to worry about rinsing, because the cat will invariably slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, fall back into the water, thrash about wildly, and rinse himself in the process.

9.  Only attempt the lather and rinse process about three times.  By that point, the cat will have realized the lack of traction on the glass and on the next attempt will climb the most readily available part of you.

10.  Next, the cat must be dried.  No, this is not the easiest part.  By this stage, you will be worn out and the cat will have just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.  We suggest here that you drain the tub and - in full view of your cat - reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11.  If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will have left your leg and will be hanging precariously from your helmet.  Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for you to wrap the towel around him.

12.  Be sure the cat is firmly wrapped in the towel before opening the tub enclosure.  Quickly step out, open bathroom door, put the towel-wrapped cat on the floor, step back quickly into the tub enclosure and close the glass door. 

13.  Do not open the glass door until all you can see is the shredded towel.  Remain in the shower while administering first aid to any part of your body which accidentally became uncovered during the bathing process. 

14.  In about two hours it should be safe to exit the bathroom.  Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small damp hedgehog while plotting revenge.

Congratulations!  You have just bathed your cat.  Once you have recovered, begin planning your strategy for getting him into the shower next time, since the nonchalant pick-up will only work once. 

In fact, since your cat will be determined never to let you trick him like that again, you might want to be careful around him for a while.  Even if you have no ulterior motives whatsoever your cat, who no longer trusts you, may for any reason or no reason, completely freak out on you at any time within the next week or two.

Have a wonderful day.

Gryphem

A Voice of Reason in the Senate?

Finally, from the midst of endless propaganda, saber-rattling, and ranting about taxes, I hear a voice of reason coming from the U.S. Senate!

I had barely heard of Senator Tom Coburn before, but I will keep track of him now.  Apparently Senator Coburn, a Republican from Oklahoma, is willing to call out the extreme partisans on BOTH sides of the political aisle for incompetence and/or dereliction of their duty to run the country with integrity.  He even criticizes powerful right-wing lobbyist Grover Nordquist – a radical act that most Republicans would never consider if they wanted to be reelected.  

Even more impressive, Senator Coburn seems to have a firm understanding of how to fix the decades-old tax debacle, and a willingness to work in a bipartisan way to get the job done.

Here are the highlights, courtesy of CNN.
     -  The most dysfunctional part of federal policy is the tax code.
     -  Republicans defend loopholes, and betray their past convictions with huge deficit spending and borrowing.
     -  Democrats falsely claim that taxing the rich more heavily will solve U.S. debt problems.
     -  Senator Coburn argues for grand compromise on tax reform along lines of President Reagan's 1986 tax reform.

I am very impressed.  I feel a tiny little bit of hope that maybe wiser, more patriotic leaders in the Congress may yet prevail and keep us from total bankruptcy. 

Two questions:

(1) Am I grasping at a straw, so desperate that I will jump at anyone who seems to have a way out of this mess?  Or is Senator Coburn onto something? 

(2) Coburn for Vice President, anyone?

I know Gryphem is not usually a gateway website, but I encourage you to read Senator Coburn’s comments for yourself.  The article is entitled, “Why America Needs a Tax Reformation” by Tom Coburn, April 17, 2012.  Find it at  http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/17/opinion/coburn-tax-reform/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

Gryphem 

A Meaningful Life

Let’s begin with the ancient Greek proverb: “Know thyself.”

With all appropriate humility, I hope what follows will help someone do just that.

·         You are infinitely valuable.

o    You are what you are, and in your innermost heart, you are good.  Accept yourself.  Love the person you are. 

o    You are also flawed.  You sometimes do or think bad things, even though you know that you shouldn’t.  That is part of what it means to be human.  Love yourself in spite of your own flaws.  Never stop trying to make yourself better, though.

·         Other persons are also valuable. 

o    In your innermost being, you are no better and no worse than anyone else.  This is the meaning of “created in the image of God.”  It is also the meaning of “all men are created equal.”

·         You do not have to prove yourself to anyone, but you do have to respect others if you want to be respected.  You do not have to prove yourself to anyone, but you do have to cooperate, if you want to experience peace and harmony, to have a fulfilling life.

·         Accepting the flaws within yourself (and we all have them) is a necessary prerequisite to self-improvement.

o    You are worthwhile and worthy, but you will never be perfect. 

o    You are better than most people at some things.  Other individuals are better than you at some things.  It’s okay to admit this.

o    Humility is an admirable trait.  Its presence means you understand your place in the big scheme of things.

o    No one ever got to be an expert at anything without understanding his or her need to work, learn, practice, and improve.

·         Others do not have to prove themselves to you.

·         If you want someone to do something or give something or behave a certain way for you, then you must be prepared to do or give something in return.  This does not involve your ontological self.  It is just the way people interact.  This is particularly true with regard to employment. 

o    You need to earn a living.  You need to keep your boss (or your customers/clients) satisfied in order to earn that wage (or profit).  There is nothing demeaning in keeping your boss/customer/client satisfied.  On the contrary, good work is ennobling.

o    You have to prove worthy of the trust you want people to place in you and in your business.  This is not eschatology.  It is economy, sociology, ethics, good interpersonal relationships.

o    If you fail to put others first, whether in personal relationships or business, they will not do or give back in the way you want.

·         Your parents owe you the best upbringing they can give you.

o    As a child or young adult, you are not normally in the best position to judge this.  You do not have the wisdom or life experience to know whether they are succeeding or failing, except in cases of extreme neglect or abuse.  Do not judge them.

o    Remember one of the forgotten Ten Commandments:  “Honor your father and mother.”  They deserve your respect.

o    If and when you have children, you will owe them your best, no matter what price you have to pay to deliver. 

§  They will be more important than your own comfort, more important than your own life.  Anything less is irresponsible and abhorrent.

§  The parent who cares more for his or her own comfort than for his or her children is immoral and unworthy.

§  This is the most important obligation in your life.

·         No one else owes you anything.

o    No one has to give you a job.

o    No one has to love you.

o    No one has to listen to your opinion.

o    Every other thing you have is a blessing from God and/or a gift from others.

·         If you are true to yourself, considerate of others, and if you love people, you may expect that a few people also will love you.  This is not a guarantee, but is likely.  Work on it.

·         In almost every case, coercion and manipulation of others is wrong.  Persuasion, on the other hand, is a skill worth learning.

·         Old proverb: “If you want peace, work for justice.”

·         Trying to be happy is less fulfilling than trying to do the right thing, than loving other people, than knowing you have done something good for someone you love, your family, the community or the world.

o    Happiness is a side-effect of a life being well lived.

o    Happiness is created from within, or received from others who share it voluntarily.  The kind of happiness that comes from circumstances or things feels good for a moment and is gone.  It is an illusion.

·         You will never have everything you want.  That’s okay.  If all your desires were satisfied, you would have nothing to look forward to, and that would be depressing.

·         If you are alive, you should be learning.  If you are alive, you should be improving yourself.  If you are alive, you should be helping others to the best of your ability.

·         Loving other people is the key to a happy and fulfilling life.  You will discover more joy when you are focused on loving others than in any other activity you may undertake.  When your goal is to help another find happiness, you are likely to find happiness yourself.  When your goal is to help another become a better person, you are likely to become a better person yourself.

·         Your attitude, whether positive or negative, will in most cases determine your happiness.

o    The world can be a difficult place.  The world can be a wonderful place.  Sometimes, whether life is beautiful or dismal depends on the way the wind is blowing. 

o    Most of the time, whether life is beautiful or dismal depends on whether we are facing the right direction.

o    Old proverb:  “A man of fifty is responsible for his own face.”  Think about it.

o    Most people get to live the life they themselves choose and create.

·         You are wonderfully made, and the one who created you, loves you.  Really.

o    No matter how badly you’ve messed up, you are never beyond the love of God. 

o    This is true, whether you believe it or not.

o    Old lyric: “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”  Is it trite, or is it profound?  You decide.

·         This is not all wisdom.  It’s just some thoughts that I hope will help you.

·         I could be wrong about some of these things.  They have been ringing true for me all my life, though.

·         One final pair of thoughts, from ancient scripture.  They come from thousands of years apart, but in my mind, they belong together.  They say the same thing in two different ways, I think, and what they say is something we too often forget.

o    “God created man in His own image.”

o    “The Kingdom of God is within you.”

o    Ponder, understand, and find your true context within our human family, our world, the great universe, and the love of God.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

-          Shakespeare