Gryphem: Junk Mail Management 101

The goal of today’s Gryphem feature is to help you make good decisions about purchases and contributions in response to advertisements and requests received via mail. This will be about people who want your money, whether they try to get it via business transactions, charitable contributions, or scams.

This post concerns only ads and solicitations received by mail, but some of the lessons learned here will apply to other forms of solicitation. My junk mail in box provides more than enough fodder for this grist mill.

This post is NOT an indictment of business or charity, or of the advertising industry. Gryphem supports honest small businesses. These examples are a warning about how unscrupulous people sometimes may try to mislead you.

These are advertising and solicitation tactics that I have observed over the past week. So read on, and take note of these manipulative or deceptive lines and practices. Never again allow yourself to be used, abused, tricked, or manipulated by swindlers and con men.

“Hurry! Limited time offer.” / “Order today!” / “This price won’t last."
This is an attempt to create a sense of urgency. Selling School, term one. Sorry, rookie, I will not buy into your false drama. I’ll decide whether I want your product or not, in my own time. In the unlikely event that your product really isn’t there when I decide I want it, then I will deal with the fallout. If you push me for a decision, the default decision will be “No.”

“Good news! You qualify for (fill in the blank).”

So you’re going to give me permission to buy something from you? I have always dreamed of giving you my business, and now I can! How did I get this honor? Now I’m going to give you the exclusive opportunity to butt out.

“Zero Percent Interest!” / “90 days same as cash!”

I guarantee that they have raised the price in advance, or added fees, or found some other way to get from you the money you might seem to be saving by avoiding interest charges.
In fact, any time a business advertises financing along with or instead of their primary product, you would be well advised to be suspicious ofthe financial arrangements, or the product, or both. Businesses are not in the game of financing for fun. They are financing to make more profit.

Here’s a way to get 0% interest every time, legitimately and with certainty. Pay cash. If you can’t afford to pay cash, start saving and wait until you can pay cash before you purchase.

“The original service date of your vehicle may have been over 38 months ago.”

Really? Did you go to a special school to figure that out? The car is 6 years old. This is called “Stating The Obvious.”
And more than that, the best you can say is “may have been”? Your mother may have been a hockey player. Making statements that appear to be facts but that are couched in conditional terms is a sign of someone trying to pretend like they know what they’re talking about when they’re really just taking a shot in the dark.

“What? You don’t have a (fill in the blank) yet?”

Well, no. Should I? Apparently it is surprising to someone that I don’t have a (fill in the blank) yet. Maybe I should have a (fill in the blank). Maybe it is surprising because everyone else has a (fill in the blank). Maybe I am stupid for not having a (fill in the blank). Maybe because everyone else has a (fill in the blank) and I don’t, I am weird. Maybe if I don’t have a (fill in the blank), I am not cool.
Spare me the false surprise and the middle school drama. You got something for me? Tell me about it. Don’t play to my adolescent fears of rejection – especially when the peer pressure you imply is not even real.

***Legitimate Businesses and Questionable Advertising Practices***

Sometimes a legitimate business or charity gives in to the temptation to use manipulative techniques. Even if the business or charity that is using these techniques is otherwise reputable, do not reward them for using unethical methods to generate business. If you do, you may be contributing to the erosion of their reputability by reinforcing their unethical behaviors.

“Enjoy the benefits of quality (fill in the blank) fuel.”

Okay, I know at least one person who will argue with me ‘til the sun goes down, but I’m going to state the obvious thing that 98% of us know. All gasoline is the same. Unless some local guy is watering the tanks, it doesn’t matter if I buy your gas, or your competitor’s gas. It’s all gas, so spare me the “quality” talk. Bottom line: Don't let anyone convince you one product is better than another only because of the brand name that is attached to it.

[The first words I see:] “Informacion en español al voltear la pagina.”

I have nothing against Spanish. I even speak some. But I do not choose to do business in that language unless I am in Spain, or Mexico, or somewhere else where the official language is Spanish. Even though the rest of the page may be in English, no lo creo. (For you monolingual people, that last part is Spanish for “I don’t think so.”)

“We have a need for cars of your make and model.”

Wrong! What they have is enough spare time to think up ways to get you to come to their showroom, so they can persuade you to buy a new car.
If this ploy works as planned, then not only will they get you there, they will get you there primed and ready to deal. If you’re lucky, you might end up with a much nicer car along with your bigger car payment. If you’re not, you might lose your shirt.
The principle is the same with, “We have a client interested in your home.”

“Enter for a chance to win…”

Here's a good idea. You enter my personal sweepstakes by giving me the product, price, and service that I want, and you might win my business. That's how it's supposed to work. If you want to hawk 'chances,' you should consider joining the carnival.

“You may have already won!”

No, I haven’t.

*** Contests ***

Contests are a ruse. They are to get you focused on a positive effect that will not happen so that you will be more open to doing business with them. If you want to do business with them, fine. But you will not win the contest. Not ever. So don’t even think about it.

[Large check enclosed]

The con men who do this are using a fake check to tempt you to open the envelope. The check may look real, but it’s actually only good as a discount when you purchase their product (probably at an inflated price to offset the value of the fake check).

“Come in and take one of our cars for a test drive and we’ll give you a $500 gift certificate to (fill in the blank)!”

Remember the proverb: “If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.” They are probably lying. Perhaps not technically, but by implication.

Of course, to stay out of trouble they have to make it possible to claim the 'reward.' So they make it so difficult to claim that no one will bother. In this real example, the 'reward' was not an outright 'prize' but a reimbursement opportunity. The customer had to first buy products at the designated store with her own money. Then, to claim the $500, she had to collect her receipts over a prolonged period of time, fill out forms, submit the claim paperwork for a reimbursement review which might find fault or disallow some receipts. Then she had to wait for the gift card to be approved and issued, which might take several months. Rule of thumb: If the ‘reward’ involves reimbursement, it will not be worth the trouble. If it is an up-front prize, then you must be sure you know all the conditions and requirements, and then decide whether it’s worth it to you to jump through all those hoops.
I did once get a very nice vacation by attending a time share presentation. But I had read the fine print about ticket fees and restrictions, and planned accordingly. I knew it wouldn’t be free, but it was more affordable than I could’ve made the trip myself, so I claimed the offer and used it. They were not happy with me.

*** Too Much Junk Mail? ***

Take a look at this, which might help you get it under control:

www.catalogchoice.org

[With grave concern] “I’m worried because I haven’t heard from you. Did you get the (fill in the blank) I sent you?”

Nonsense! No one is worried that you received anything, except that they hope the ‘gift’ will motivate you to make a donation.
They know you got it. What they’re really saying is, “We sent you a gift, so send us some money, cheapskate.”
You are under no obligation to pay for anything you receive in the mail, unsolicited. If they sent it to you without your approval, you don’t have to pay for it. You don’t have to send it back. You don’t even have to tell them you got it. If you want, you can send a donation. If you don’t want to send a donation, that’s fine, too. After all, you didn’t ask them to send you anything.

[Real stamps?]

Why would someone seeking donations use actual stamps on the enclosed return envelopes? Why? The USPS has a system by which they can pay only when a return envelope is mailed. By putting a stamp on every return envelope, they are literally throwing away money.
I guess they’re trying to make me think their organization is so small and friendly that they don’t bother with that big corporate stuff.
Or maybe they’re trying to shame me into giving. Sorry, dudes. I wasn’t the one who chose to throw away money by putting stamps on envelopes that will never be returned.
Hey everyone, did you know that the new peel-and-stick stamps are not like the old ones? In the past, if you wanted to remove and reuse a stamp, you had to steam it off. That's a lot of work for a stamp. But the new ones can be removed and reused fairly easily. Thanks, for the 44 cents, guys.

[Money inside?]

This one’s similar to the last one, but even stoopider. (‘Stoopid’ is like ‘stupid’ except even more idioticker. Get it?) Did you really just mail me a nickel? Or even more stoopider, a dollar bill? Or worse yet, a check for $2.48 FROM your charity TO me? Why, if you need funds, would you do that? I guess the idea is to get my attention. Well, you did. Thanks for the nickel. Or the dollar. Not sure yet what I’m gonna do with that check for $2.48.

“These beautiful labels are yours, without obligation…”

That’s all I need to know. Thanks. Toss the rest of the contents without reading.

*** Gifts Received ***

You are under no legal obligation to pay for anything you receive unsolicited in the mail. If you didn’t ask for it, and they decided to send it anyway, it is yours. People who send you stuff you didn’t ask for are trying to (1) get your attention, and (2) make you feel obligated so you will pay for the product or make a donation. If you like the stuff, or the organization, send them something. If you don’t want to, then don’t send them anything. And don’t worry about it. They gambled. Not your problem.

[Billing for Charity?]

One charity which supports a very worthy cause sends me a bill twice a year. I never made a pledge; they somehow just decided that this was to be my “fair share.” Guess what, guys? I really do hope they find a cure for that disease, but if you want financial support from me, you can ask me politely. I don't respond to bullying, however subtle. You wanna send me a BILL? From your CHARITY? Good luck with that. Now leave.

“Ten acres of the rain forest are being destroyed every minute!”

Oh, my. How long can we keep creating urgency over the same situation? I am an environmentalist, and it kills me that people are destroying the Amazon Rain Forest. However (and I offer this in the spirit of constructive involvement) this “every minute” tactic you use makes me feel like there’s no point in trying. By the time I read your letter, another ten acres. By the time I write you a check, another 30 acres gone. By the time the mailman comes tomorrow, another 10,000 acres gone – that’s a square of land four miles on each side. I feel like it’s already too late.
Seriously, though, the real reason I will toss your rain forest solicitation is that you (or your predecessors) burned your bridges along with the rain forest decades ago. I remember when I was an elementary school student that the rain forest was going to be gone by the time I was an adult. Twenty years later, I used then-current research to teach students that the rain forest would not exist more than a few more years. That was twenty years ago, and there’s still enough left for you to warn me about how fast it’s vanishing. Something isn’t adding up.
Another thing – It seems the pace of the destruction is always accelerating… How is that possible? You can’t have it both ways. Was someone grossly exaggerating then? Is someone twisting the facts now? WAS it vanishing? IS it vanishing? I’m not sure what to believe.
Out of love for the environment, and in response to your call for action, I gave money to save the rain forest decades ago. Apparently, the rain forest is still vanishing. Apparently my donation was not effective. So why would I try that again?
This is a perfect illustration of the proverb: "You cannot make an arguement stronger by overstating it."

*** Statement about Charitable Giving ***

In this post, I have written mostly about people who want to sell you something, but a couple (including the two immediately preceding) were in response to requests for charitable support. I do not care whether you ever buy anything in response to a mail advertisement, but I do hope that you will support worthwhile charities.

Good citizens should contribute to worthy charities as they are able. That does not mean tossing money to everyone who asks for it. If our charitable giving is to be effective, we need to be observant and discerning, as well as generous. I hope these examples will help you avoid being manipulated by unethical people who want to siphon dollars away from legitimate charities into their own pockets. I hope this post will help you identify ethical charities that are worthy of your support.

[Impersonating a Government Entity]

Did you ever receive an official-looking manila envelope with eagle or star emblems, impressive official-sounding names, and a program-like phrase or slogan? Well, look carefully... not at what is being implied, but at what is actually being stated. Authoritative-sounding phrases such as “public announcement” or “official notification” may seem impressive at first, but actually mean nothing. Even slogans or mottos commonly used by government entities, phrases like “e pluribus unum” or “protect and serve,” may appear only to create the false impression of government authority or official status.
These bits of counterfeit correspondence are repugnant to honest, patriotic people. Not only are they attempting to deceive, they are undermining the prestige of the government. (No jokes, please.)
Anyone who will pretend to be a government official to get your attention or your money will not hesitate to deceive you in other ways. Never trust anyone who is not honest about who they are. If they have to assume a false identity to get you to notice or patronize them, then they are as incompetent as they are dishonest.

[Car Title Loans / Payday Loans]
I could write an entire post on how dishonest these places are. They are usurers and thieves who have found a way to keep stealing and stay out of jail. And the worst part is, they steal from the poorest among us. Do Not Patronize these places, EVER. Enough Said.

“ONLY…”

I believe this may be the most meaningless word in the English language, when used in the context of advertising. Disregard it completely. That used car costs “only”$40,000. This sale will last for “only” 85 days. That warehouse is “only” a short 90-mile drive from the city. You can make a difference for “only” a few dollars a day.
On second thought, I am beginning to suspect that this word is worse than meaningless. I think maybe it actually means the OPPOSITE of its literal meaning. Yes. Let’s redefine the word “only,” when used in advertising, as “the number that follows is much larger than you might expect,” or possibly, “let’s pretend that what follows is a good thing.

“Up to 90% off!”

Let me translate that for you, Grasshopper. The little words “up to” negate all that follows. If they say “everything” is “up to" 90% off, then there must be at least one item that is 90% off. That can be one single memo pad (which was sold yesterday, by the way) marked down from 50 cents to a nickel. Other items in the store might be 80% off, or 20% off, or still at full price, because “up to” means “this much or less.” Get it? When you see the words “up to,” disregard the entire advertisement immediately.