How to Bathe a Cat

[Adapted from a post found on a news website]

As anyone who has attempted this feat can tell you, bathing a cat is no laughing matter.  In fact, it can be downright painful, and humiliating too.

But don’t despair.  Bathing a cat is simple, really.  No, just kidding.  But it can be done.  You can succeed.  The key is to be properly prepared, mentally and physically.

Remember, although your cat has advantages in intelligence, speed, and total lack of concern for you, you will have advantages in size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

Follow these instructions for bathing your cat.

1.    First, dress for the occasion. A four-ply rubber wet suit is recommended, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2.  A bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred a shower curtain in about 3.5 seconds.

3.  Place the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before you begin.  No need for the blow dryer.  As tempting as it might be, blow drying the cat after a bath is most definitely not recommended.

4.  Fill the tub with water.  Make it a little warmer than necessary because you still have to find the cat.  Position everything strategically in the shower, so that you can reach it even if you are prone or face down in the tub.

5.  Find your cat.  Use the element of surprise.  Pick the cat up nonchalantly, as if you were simply carrying him to the supper dish.  No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, because the cat barely notices you anyway.

6.  Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is of the essence.  In a single fluid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the glass doors, and drop the cat into the water.  While the cat is still in a state of shock, grasp the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of the cat is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles; add to that the fact that the cat now has soapy fur.  His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.  Looks a little like one, too.

7.  As best you can while wearing welder's gloves, try to grab hold of the cat as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling.  If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles while his body is fully exposed in midair.

8.  During the five seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub the cat vigorously.  There is no need to worry about rinsing, because the cat will invariably slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, fall back into the water, thrash about wildly, and rinse himself in the process.

9.  Only attempt the lather and rinse process about three times.  By that point, the cat will have realized the lack of traction on the glass and on the next attempt will climb the most readily available part of you.

10.  Next, the cat must be dried.  No, this is not the easiest part.  By this stage, you will be worn out and the cat will have just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.  We suggest here that you drain the tub and - in full view of your cat - reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11.  If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will have left your leg and will be hanging precariously from your helmet.  Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for you to wrap the towel around him.

12.  Be sure the cat is firmly wrapped in the towel before opening the tub enclosure.  Quickly step out, open bathroom door, put the towel-wrapped cat on the floor, step back quickly into the tub enclosure and close the glass door. 

13.  Do not open the glass door until all you can see is the shredded towel.  Remain in the shower while administering first aid to any part of your body which accidentally became uncovered during the bathing process. 

14.  In about two hours it should be safe to exit the bathroom.  Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small damp hedgehog while plotting revenge.

Congratulations!  You have just bathed your cat.  Once you have recovered, begin planning your strategy for getting him into the shower next time, since the nonchalant pick-up will only work once. 

In fact, since your cat will be determined never to let you trick him like that again, you might want to be careful around him for a while.  Even if you have no ulterior motives whatsoever your cat, who no longer trusts you, may for any reason or no reason, completely freak out on you at any time within the next week or two.

Have a wonderful day.

Gryphem