How NOT to Run a Scam - Some Free Advice from Gryphem

THE INTRODUCTION

I pay attention to advertising.

Why, you wonder?  Well, it’s not to decide how to spend or what to buy.  No.  I pay attention to television and radio commercials because I have always been intrigued by people who attempt to trick or mislead others. 

I am astonished how cheaply some businesses, their ad writers and spokespersons will sell their honor.  Provably false prevarication presented to the public for a little profit. 

Sometimes, when the deception is particularly dishonest or crass, I get upset.  More often, I am amused.  I am particularly amused when the would-be deceiver is really inept or misinformed or amateurish.  I take a lot of satisfaction in shining the light of day on their deceit. 

Here’s an example I found in an on-line advertisement for financial services.  It’s far from the worst I’ve seen, even recently.  But it is amusing in its combination of self-deception (‘Did they really think they were going to fool anyone with this?’) and utter incompetence. 

I’ve made a few inconsequential minor changes in order to protect myself legally.  The same people who would lie to get your money in an advertisement would be just as happy to take your money by means of a lawsuit.

THE ADVERTISEMENT

Jim Bixley, Consultant

Bixley Lending

Tarrant County, TX

Dear Sir,

Good day to you. My name is Jim Bixley, I saw your profile on online, we are private loan lender we work with angel investor too.
However, we can assist you with loan and also bank instrument such as BG/SBLC to enable you finance all your projects. Kindly get back to me so that I can give you more details.
I await your mail.

Jim Bixley
BIXLEY LENDING SERVICE

THE RESPONSE

Hey, Mr. Bixley, you’re kidding, right?  No?  Wow. 

Well, I’m going to do you a favor.  I’m going to show you just how poor you are at this scam game.  Not because I want to help you trick people.  No… the fact is, your incompetence is so blatant that I feel sorry for you.  Also, I have this irrational expectation that if you were to realize just how bad you are at this, you might quit doing it and get a real job.  Unrealistic, I know.  But hope springs eternal. 

The essence of your failure lies in your inability to speak English.  Yes, I know you are proud of your language skill.  But no native English speaker is ever going to believe that you are who you say you are, because you just don’t sound like Jim Bixley from Texas.  You might be Jawad from Karachi, or maybe Udo from Lagos, but definitely not Jim from Fort Worth.

If you ever aspire to success in the lending-scam business, you need to work with a native English speaker.  You should be able to find a native speaker easily enough, with the high U.S. unemployment rate.  Although most Americans remain scrupulous about niggling points like obeying the law, I am sure that a certain percentage of those unemployed Americans wouldn’t be too put off by the questionable legality of your venture. 

This will work best if you try to get someone from the area where your fictitious personality is supposed to be from.  You may not be aware that there are many distinct accents in a country as big as the United States, and credibility might be strained if the accent doesn’t fit the location.  Here are a few specific pointers drawn from your Bixley Lending scam ad… just for starters.

People from Texas do not say “Good Day” unless they are telling you in no uncertain terms to get out.  Go away.  Leave.

You might not know this from watching old western shows on television, but modern Texans rarely use the word “kindly.”  It might have been common among cowboys a hundred or more years ago, but it has fallen into disuse.  Any Texan who does use the word “kindly” today is either being excessively formal (see "good day" above) or  possibly calls everyone “pardner” as well.

No native English speaker would use the phrase “on online.”  It is redundant.  Also seems kind of silly.

Learn to use the infinitive form of the verb.  The phrase “enable you finance” just doesn’t cut it.  You need the word “to” in there somewhere.

Apparently, “Bixley,” you are a native speaker of a language which does not utilize articles as a part of speech.  Maybe if you wrote “a private loan lender,” or “assist you with a loan,” more people would be taken in.

Evidently, “Bixley,” you are proud of the English language skills on display in this little piece of fiction you’ve created.  I concede – You would probably get by just fine on the streets of Fort Worth or Boston or Atlanta.  But no one is going to mistake you for a native speaker.

You, “Bixley,” are definitely not a native English speaker.  On a separate part of your web advertisement you claim to have “many year” in the business.  Jawad – or was it Udo? – if you can’t even use correct singular and plural forms, how do you expect anyone to believe you are Jim from  Fort Worth? 

Incidentally, I was unable to access your website.  Too bad.  I was looking forward to more entertainment.  But really, if you want to collect scam candidates by means of a website, it is best to make sure your website is working.

Here’s the bottom line, Mr. Scam Artist:  Calling yourself Jim Bixley isn’t fooling anyone.  You should get a real job instead of trying to scam nice American people. 

You should know – most of us really hate being lied to.  Yes, I know I broke one of the rules of English grammar by ending that sentence with a preposition.  It was a choice I made as a skilled speaker of English.  I know the rules well enough to break them once in a while, when I choose.  Unlike you, “Bixley” – or whatever fraudulent pseudonym you are using this month. 

There you have it, “Bixley.”  A critique of your pathetic attempt to deceive.  So you see, you actually abandoned your honor for nothing.  How do you feel about that? 

I know that you probably will not reform.  Perhaps, though, this will help you recover a little of your dignity, if not your integrity.  It’s got to be embarrassing, selling yourself for nothing.  I mean, if you’re going to scam people, at least be competent.  That way when the victims of your criminal endeavors realize they’ve been had, they will at least have the comfort of knowing that they were taken in by an expert.  As it stands now, they feel doubly bad – once for losing money to your scam, and once for realizing they were stupid enough to be tricked by a rank amateur.  When you improve the scam, your future victims will feel better about themselves.

Oh, and one last thing.  Your level of English language expertise being what it is, you undoubtedly will not understand some of the idioms and uniquely American constructions I have used in this missive.  That’s okay.  Ask your new American accomplices to help you. 

By the way, I gave you one piece of bogus advice.  If you do not identify which bit is bogus, then everyone who reads your future ads will know immediately that you are a fraud.  Good Luck.

FOOTNOTE TO GRYPHEM READERS

Did you spot the bogus advice?  Probably not, because that was a little scam of my own.  I hope “Bixley” is still frantically trying to identify the error in what I wrote to him – and that he never visits the Gryphem blog.

Gryphem